I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
