also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Michael Bay diarrhea
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
