I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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