I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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