I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
