Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
tell me about the eggs
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
