Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
