Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
