Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
