i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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