she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Every concussion has its silver lining
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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