I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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