Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
