So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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