I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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