he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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