508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
