If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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