i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
