I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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