I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
