I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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