fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just had sex bonerless
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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