I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
