who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
