On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
