Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize