when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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