Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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