Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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