I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm passing your future prison.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
dude. I can hear the air.
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