i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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