Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
