Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
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