Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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