I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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