You're so nebulous sometimes
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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