oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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