I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
