So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize