Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
