I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Randomize