Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
ttyl tear gas
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
