DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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