Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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