Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
