So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
