the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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