Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
