he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
