My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
