I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
