The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The power of my boobs compel you
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
