The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
