I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
