this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
