I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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