Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You have to summon your inner elephant
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
