my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
