just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
