Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
