I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
