I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
