I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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