I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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