wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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