go do what you do best...puke behind churches
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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